So be it...

My friend doesn't need me anymore. She is ashamed to call me a friend. Trying to find ways to get rid of me. That's what I have been told by her. All because I drank and embarrassed her in that party. I am not the type of person her friends are.

Well if that's the case then so be it. I'll make it easier for you. If you don't need me then I guess I too can live without you as my best friend.

Thanks for everything... I love you but I won't embarrass you anymore... you'll see a different me even if I have to fake it...

Perennial pessimist…

I don’t know what it is. Yesterday I was watching this movie where the hero visits the airport to pick his girl. Nice scene and everything with lots of dialogs being said. But all my attention was captured by the little suitcase he had left besides the car while he was talking. I was practically worried that it may be stolen or left behind or maybe even crushed under the wheels. Always expecting all kind of bad things to happen. And, this is not one isolated thought for this particular movie. I guess this is pretty much the way I think about things.

Similarly at work, I catch myself thinking negatively so many times. Give me a new project and I start thinking of what may go wrong with it. Small things even, which at execution time are perhaps not even important. But yes, I think I am thorough. I have this talent and reputation for tearing thru optimistic plans, projects etc. Not sure if its particularly good or bad. It has its advantages in the fact that you actually get to collectively plan for the problems that individually you won’t have any clue to tackle. Hopefully, makes you better prepared.

The bad thing is that, it makes you spend too much time on thinking and planning. And sometimes action suffers. As is the case with my website plans, which keep getting delayed all because of problems I may have a year after now. Even before starting I am already thinking on the lines of IPRs and copyrights etc.

The only thing that makes me happy is that I am aware of this one big flaw of my character which someday is going to make that difference between success and failure for me.

PS: I understand that this blog is becoming more and more of a psychology class case study of thought process of a crazy guy. Someday, it would be used to torture poor students at mental institutions.
Whatever, I will be famous  Cheers…

PS:

just to let you know, I miss you... more than anyone else I have missed all these years...
I may be a bad person but please don't just give up on me... someday hopefully you'll see my good side (which I guess I do have)

Screwed up... again!!!

Yeah... that's the news... Am feeling rotten. People who matter, people who I care about don't like me anymore. And I guess I deserve it...

Well to start with, lemme tell you the background. On Christmas eve, we had this sudden bonanza party thrown by our company. And not just party, there was a handsome cash reward thrown in for the successful completion of one of our landmark projects.

Now, the problem was that though I may be involved in lots of things (or atleast try to be). I was no part of this project. Was already low on self esteem when the mike was put into my hands, and I guess what I said in a way spoiled the mood for entire team. In effect, it was something like, telling everybody that there probably were only four in our team who deserved the reward etc etc.

Back to my seat, and I was feeling guilty. Cocktails start, and as usual I just hit the bar. There was no one I could talk to, and that meant that I kept going on and on like crazy. Had fixed up with this waiter who kept bring stuff from time to time. And by the time I was done, everyone was pissed with me. There really was only this girl (my friend) who cared for me, and I guess I said something stupid to her (what I still don't remember). There was this senior guy from top management, who got some example of my bad humor (again I don't remember, but I do remember apologizing). And to top it all, I gave my waiter a tip of twenty bucks in front of entire management gang, just to prove I was the biggest drunkard.

Back home, the entire realization was killing me. Am feeling pathetic, and the one friend who I know can comfort me is away. And she too is pissed at all my misdeeds...

If you ever read this, please know that I need you right now more than anytime else. If only you could forgive me this one time...

good news

Am I happy or sad… Seriously, don’t know how to react to this news

It’s good news for her. She is going. Sooner than later. She just got confirmed to the position she wanted. Am happy for this. She really worked hard for this, I could see that. She was just about everywhere for last two months. Managing everything beautifully. I knew all along that she was smart, but she exceeded my expectations as an executor. There really was no two thoughts about the end result.

But then there is this selfish and petty me. Like I said a hundred times already, I don’t want to lose her. She is the only bright spot in my day here. I really don’t know how I will manage those 9 hours everyday without her.

So far my record hasn’t been good. I tend to lose touch with friends when I don’t see them often. Talking on phone has never been my forte. But I guess this time I will make an effort.

All the best my friend…

Rejection...

I think I am in love with her… but I guess I can’t risk telling her as much… Even today my day starts with thinking about her and ends with missing her even more. Its fun to spend every minute with her, but then it’s not the same as before.

There is always this thought of losing her even as a friend. Have to be very conscious while talking to her. Careful about what I say. Suddenly there are boundaries and lines which should not be crossed. Suddenly there is this jealousy when she talks about someone else whom she likes.

I used to think that I was a cool guy. Nothing could faze me. But I guess time changes people.

Being rejected is painful… but sometimes you just have to live with it…

Confession...

I know how hollow I am going to sound when I say this, but the fact is that I have been living two separate lives with my friends. Its a rut and I seriously don't know how to come out of it. Let me explain.

I basically have two sets of friends. One, the friends I made in my college during MBA, and second, the other people in my life - my roommates, company friends, school friends.

I normally am quite fun loving free spirited guy, who loves to keep talking. If I am around you can expect people to generally be laughing, mostly at my expense, about some stupid action of mine or some stupid comment I made. And frankly I don't mind it as long as it brings out smiles on all our faces. As I can take a joke on myself, I expect my friends not to be touchy when I pull their legs and that generally has been the case all through.

Now, at the time I decided to go for MBA, I was a little insecure with the fact that I was going to be much much older than the average guy in my class. I just wanted to act my age. Don't want end up being a subject of ridicule, which I eventually would, if I stay my natural self.

So, I just clammed up. Don't talk too much unless you are talked to. Don't be your natural self unless you are drunk enough to pass it off as the way you are under influence. End result, these guys just don't know me enough. They think they do, but in reality they don't. I hardly ever willingly shared any details of my personal life with them. Each one of them is dear to me, but I don't know if I will be as acceptable to them if I go back to my normal self. Won't they lose all the trust for me. Its almost become as if I am living a lie.



The problem now is that these are the people I trust. I love spending each minute with them be it drinking or just sitting and chatting. But then my life is a wreak. There is this huge turmoil inside of me that I want to talk about to someone. I think I am in love but maybe I am just being stupid once again. I know they have the solution, they know what's right for me and what's not. But to help me they need to know me. And how do I make it happen... :-(

Mistakes...

Of all the people at the organization where I am at, there is only this friend of mine I look forward to meeting each morning. And yesterday I screwed it up. Probably forever.

I always liked talking to S (lets call her that), right from the first day in the office. Good thing about her is that she can take a joke on herself (and make me take jokes on myself). A bindaas attitude, which I guess is pretty rare among girls. Someone who is not judging you for everything you say or do (for when I get comfortable with someone, I end up saying things that generally are not appreciated). I could talk about other girls, hook her up with other guys, just about anything. Over time, I got a feeling that she too was comfortable with me. For someone like me it was a new experience, a wonderful experience being close to a fun person.

When we started, we both were hooked up with someone. I had to go thru a heart breaking breakup (or rather being dumped by my girl) and she had a much worse experience where everything planned just fell apart for her. Over the last month, I, probably because I was on a rebound, or probably because I genuinely like her, I started developing feelings for her. Once that happens, it gets more and more difficult to keep a straight face talking normally to the person in front of you. Was getting more and more uneasy. I infact was trying to avoid as much one to one time with her as was possible without showing anything. And then I gave up.

It was a risk. Probably I was already in the friend zone, but thats not what I wanted with her. I wanted to give ourselves a chance. Don't want to sit down some day dreaming about what it could have been. But was I in love with her?

Probably, probably not. I really don't know. When you are friends things are one way, where everything goes. But when you are a couple things change, there are much more expectations and maybe I am just not cut out for them. I have this huge fear of failure or rejection where I just don't feel confident enough to commit, lest things fall apart at a later stage. This is what I wanted to say. All I wanted was a chance for us.

But, the idiot that I am, it all came out sounding as if all I wanted was to get laid. And as expected she was upset. I feel like an a$$@#&%. She never really had thought of me in those terms, and once I forced her to, it was a little too wierd for her. I don't blame her.

But fact remains that I don't want to lose her as a friend. Have waited 29 years to find one like her, in just 6 months she is probably the closest friend I have. I'll rather have her in my life as a friend than not have her at all. If only we could undo the past.

Plans... Plans... Plans...

Like everyone else in my marketing class at the IMT (yes that was the "Top10" place I went to), the primary reason that drove me to go for MBA was entrepreneurship. At least that's what everyone else said, and so did I. But in my case I had a few other reasons that pushed me over the brink. I was bored to death doing what I was doing. The career path ahead of me was all about doing the same thing for next 15 years as you keep growing through designations. Only then did you become eligible for other roles in the organization. What I was doing was good enough for me today but three years down the line I was sure it was going to become very frustrating for someone like me.

Actually, the company I was working for was one of the leaders in CAD/CAM products space worldwide. So for someone like me, it was pretty much similar to what a web-developer would feel like working at a Google or Microsoft. Getting into the core development team was very very difficult (as it is with the other companies I mentioned) as the product development teams are very stable, with people staying on for years on end (unlike service companies, Infy kind). Another reason for why they stay is probably because they have to. For example, I was working on a product called Windchill, with ownership of four key modules. If I had stayed on there, I would have been expected to specialize more and more on these four modules while anything else that comes would be a secondary responsibility. As you keep coming with new versions of the product, my ongoing responsibility would be to keep introducing those mostly minor changes in the new versions (focus on quality rather than quantity as it is a product), and to fix up the bugs carried in any previous versions. Now in this scenario, 3-4 years down the line you are assured to be practically unemployable by anyone other than companies doing similar work. And you can count those numbers on your fingertips. So practically between years 3 to 15 you are caught in the job with no options and no growth in scope of work. Only things that grow are your designation and your salary. And that was something I was not comfortable with.

At the b-school, everybody wants to be entrepreneur. So did I and my friends. But then most of the business plans were simply not implementable, either because they were too grand or because they were just based them on a hunch. So we had some people planning of opening stores with VC investments right at idea stage. Or we had people planning to start CAT training institutes in Jamshedpur because there are hardly any there. What they are not willing to accept is the possibility of failure. And by the time the hangover gets over, you don't even remember what you were talking about with your drinks (yes, that's when these topics come up). There was never anything we were really passionate about or anything we really wanted to accomplish. Even when you aren't totally convinced about someone's idea, you still go along with it lest he gets upset. After all, all you are doing is talk. End result, we just kept planning and planning and never reached a consensus about what we should do.

Not that there weren't any serious discussions. Among my friends, I acknowledge one person (Sardar) who really had the enthu required, (probably I will be distant second). I won't be surprised if he makes it big sooner than later.

As for me, I have the desire, but not the courage to go all alone. So, if I don't end up doing anything in next 6-9 months, then it probably is never going to happen.

Probably, we'll all end up just being accidental entrepreneurs... (yes it does happen.. but that's another story)

Love and Life...

I am lonely and unhappy... Took too long to admit it but that's how it is..

Last time I had this feeling, it was around the time I shifted home in Pune to live close to my new office. At this place I hardly knew anybody. The team that I was part of had been there for years together. It really was very difficult for an outsider to break into core development team for a company selling such established products (the company was quite big in CAD/CAM space). It was pretty good to have brilliant people from IITs around you all the time, but they really weren't too good a company, for lets say, a lunch or a drink. More so because there was almost a big gap in the way they thought and the way I did. So much so that I started avoiding any social time with them. Used to skip lunches altogether or to go out by myself to restaurants where there won't be much chance of bumping into company guys. That sorts.

In between the company decided to send me on a trip to Boston. That was the only time I made a few friends in office. Among them there was this girl. She was from the testing team (where there is a higher churn and therefore more younger people). Spoke to her only a couple of times. As usual I was this awkward and fumbling guy in front of her, but I guess that was enough to get some attention from her and to make it clear about what I had in my mind. And then we came back and as usual lost touch.

Amidst all this I decided to go for MBA, more out of boredom than anything else. Before leaving I sent out this bye-bye mail to everybody I knew, and she was one among them. I had to move back to Delhi, so I guess it was to be a non starter. And then she replied back after a month or so. We started talking, one thing led to other and pretty soon we were a couple, albeit a long distance couple. Now, here I was, someone who has very little experience with girls, someone who is almost proud of his insensitivity (well I think I am quite sensitive, but the facts prove otherwise), someone whose girlfriend calls him very practical (and not in a good sense), out there gradually falling in love with this sweet sensitive girl.

Once I was done with my MBA, there was this huge pressure on me to get married. After all I am 29 with a decent job and definitely not looking any better by the passing day. For me the very obvious non-decision was to propose her, and so I did. And then it all went wrong. Quite unexpectedly, marriage was a very big surprise for her. We had been together for almost two years but she really had never thought of marriage. All because it never came out as a topic of discussion previously. Anyways, she said "yes".

For me that was a little disturbing. After all, if you never ever thought of marrying me, how can you make your decision in five minutes flat. You don't want to ruin your entire life, just because you want to please someone (or probably you don't want to disappoint him). She does have this tendency of saying only the thing that you want to hear. So, I told her to take some time and think over before she decides. If not for this bravado I probably would have already been married today. Happily or otherwise...

In any case, she wanted one week to decide. The one week stretched to one month, one month to three months and so on. In between she met my family where people liked her. I met her family where they didn't particularly like me because a) I am from Bihar and b) because I am only son of my parents and may probably, along with their daughter, have to take care of them all my life (which wasn't really a good thing in their eyes). [And, I am called practical :-) ]. She is an only daughter and only support for her mother, having lost her father in an accident. So, she can't go against her family's wishes.

In between, she starts suspecting me of drooling after every other girl in the company. Wants all my passwords so she could check all my mail accounts etc etc. She actually peeked into one of my chats with a friend where in between our guy talk I referred to one of the girls as a "maal" (which I think is quite a normal lingo between guys).

In all, it was becoming quite tough to keep going thru all these daily arguments, each one of which will have a mention of the said "maal". Finally, in mid sep she decided that she couldn't be with me. Because she couldn't ever "trust me".

It was sad, but frankly I too was finding it difficult to keep up. We decided to let go of each other but try and remain friends.

Everything was okay, until she called up last week... I don't know what she means when she says she can't get over me.. Am really confused. Not really sure if I want her back coz nothing really has changed ever since she "dumped" me. There's one part of me which wants to get back with her, but then there is my self-respect (or ego whatever you want call it).

I really desperately need someone, but is she the one...